.. . cats r out, dogs r out, its raining cats n dogs . ..

My secrets r out...who would've thought last nite would be such a significant nite... from now on I won't be able to rest easy... knowing that he knows... wary of the day it'll all come back to me.... my punishment... I don't even feel like getting out anywhere... I just feel like curling up in my bed n wallow in my misery... last nite was the last kinda way that I would've wanted him to find out about all those things... I want it to be face to face.... not like this... when he's so far away from me... I can't calm down... not until i see him n feel him hold me to know if it will all be alrite....

All I can see rite now is how shocked he was... n still is... n it felt like sumthin's changed sumhow... I don't know if its really alrite with him... or is it just cuz he's being a gentleman... Even though I thought I'd be relieved after its out n I don't have anything to hide anymore... but its the last thing i felt... in fact what I'm feeling is very much the opposite of relieved... I just feel like there's a heavy stone on top of me waiting for me to give in to its weight.... n crush me.... n what with the memories starting to come back to me... along with those questions... n I find it hard to face him... knowing what he knows... I just feel like I'm not worthy of anyone... I just feel like no matter what I do now will all just be overshadowed by my mistake... I don't know if my wounds will ever heal... every time his name crosses my mind I'm just crushed all over again... I can't help but tear up whenever I think of him... just thinking about the fact that back then... we already gave a name to him... n how he's gone just like that... whenever ppl hear about cases like mine... all they'd think about is the scandal... n the gossips... what do they know about how it feels to be burdened by that for the rest of my life... ppl can turn away....walk away....ignore.... but I can't... no matter how I tried to block it all out... I'm still guilty... there's still blood in my hands... n I still feel dirty.... n nothing can ever change that... even when I die n be reincarnated... my sin will still follow me....

I'm so tired of blocking out my mind... it had been going on for so long... that its starting to affect my other memories... I often felt like I'm losing grip of my own reality.... like I'm always in a daze.... its like walking through a thick haze.... I can't wait for when the moment comes that I can finally shut down my mind for good... the moment I can finally rest easy n not think about anything...