what are those things that make ppl happy?
is it....love and commitment?
is it....money and power?
is it....status and prestige?
is it....brains and talents?
is it....family and friends?

or is it ppl simply will never be satisfied with anything?
whenever i thought about sumthin that could make me happy...i really thought i would...n i built my world around it...n i plan n plan...
but i often find that...when i finally get there...im not that happy after all... its like... the real excitement...n the dizzying happiness...is from the anticipation itself.

how do u measure a person's value and worth?

lately....i've been finding things about myself that im really not proud of... i've always thought idealistic thoughts.... i've always stick to the right side of things... n i've always liked to think of myself as a good, decent and of right values. i guess i've kinda always known that deep down...im just not that kind... im just not that good a person... maybe i was in denial all these while...

i've only started to really realise how much of a... what do i call that... a snob... a spoiled kid... maybe...
i never thought of myself as a person who would differentiate ppl based on their looks, appearance, social and financial status...
so when i kinda realise that's what i did recently... im kinda crushed...
i've always prided in not being a snob and in being a person that would make friends with anyone without judging them based on superficial things...as long as they're good n nice ppl...
so what is it that have changed in me? have i always been like this all along? i feel guilty... n yet deep deep down.... i still stick to that opinion.... that opinion that i despise so much....

"how can i be such a despicable person? he's been nothing but really nice to u n this is how u repay him?"
i keep on asking myself that question... n yet no matter how much i hated myself for that... it still doesnt change me... n i wonder if i want to change at all?

i keep on tellin myself... who do u think u are? u're not that great or that liao bu qi urself, so why d attitude?

but still!!! i cant do anything bout it...or its more like im not willing to....
n its just frustating me!

im just 1 big blob of confusion rite now...

i never thought i would ever be in a place like this... i know whats right n whats wrong... n i know i should do the right thing... n yet im stickin to the wrongs....

im just grey i guess....

n also... i believe in karma... n i dont want this to come back n bite me 10x worse... which maybe will...someday....
gosh.... how could i?