p.s.: I luv U....

When I first saw u..
I already knew..
There was sumthin inside of u..
Sumthin I thought that I would never find..
Angel of mine..

I look at u lookin at me..
Now I know why they say the best things are free..
How you changed my world you'll never know..
I'm different now, you helped me grow..
You came into my life sent from above..
When I lost all hope you showed me love..

Nothing means more to me than what we share..
No one in this whole world can ever compare..
What you mean to me you'll never know..
Deep inside I need to show..
You came into my life sent from above..
When I lost all hope, you showed me love..

I never knew I could feel each moment
As if it were new..,
Every breath that I take.., the love that we make..
I only share it with you..


"..can't smile without u.. can't smile without u.. no i can't laugh.. n i can't smile.. living without.. u by my side.."

~*~~*~~~*~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~*~~~*~~*~*~~*~~~*~~~~*~~~~~*

hot n bothered

what is this pain im feeling...?
why do tears keep streaming down...?
have he really changed...?
i wonder where is the old him who soothes me when im sad n crying...
he who believes in me... trusts me... open to me about anything...
what is it that he don't understand... that when i criticize him it's not meant to attack him...
how can i make him understand that he's not the only one trying to make us work...
why do i feel like the more i give in n change for him n leave my selfish ways, the more he seems to push his way with me...?
i feel so scared... i kept thinking... if this much have changed in just 6 months... then what will come next?
will the love of my life turn into everything that i feared...?
he don't even say he miss me back...or that he loves me...
am i just in his way now...
how can i tell him n make him understand everything that i'm feeling when he gets offended with every little thing i say...?
no, i don't want him to not criticize me when i'm wrong...i just don't want him to diss my efforts n use his expectations of me to put me down just like that... i thought he understood me... he used to understand me... what have i done wrong...?
it all just reminds me too much of my mum n dad...
why can't they just understand that what i do is because i love them... that its with good intentions... that its to prevent bad things from happening as much as i can... why do they look at me as if i'm an enemy trying to harm them n get offended...?
should i just bullshit them with sweet talks n suddenly crush them like any other ppl?
why when i do things while thinking of them, they don't appreciate me?
n instead... when other ppl just be selfish n do things only for their benefits they go along happpily?
where is the sense in that?
they say silence is golden... but nowadays... i guess silence just gets u into trouble n accusations...
tell me sayank... have i thought wrong... cuz i so wish i'm wrong... so please do correct me if i've made mistakes in my analysis n way of thinking about this...

thoughts n such

I thought he trusts me...
I thought he knew me better than that...
I thought he knew what I feel so deeply for him...
I thought he won't change no matter what...
I thought he won't let anything come between us...

Have I thought wrong..?
Is it all just my imagination n my wishful thinking..?
Are we after all just the same as the others..?

Is it all because of me..
Is it just me.. or has the way he look at me had changed...?
I guess I'm nothing special after all...
Who am I to have thought n hoped for otherwise...

.. . cats r out, dogs r out, its raining cats n dogs . ..

My secrets r out...who would've thought last nite would be such a significant nite... from now on I won't be able to rest easy... knowing that he knows... wary of the day it'll all come back to me.... my punishment... I don't even feel like getting out anywhere... I just feel like curling up in my bed n wallow in my misery... last nite was the last kinda way that I would've wanted him to find out about all those things... I want it to be face to face.... not like this... when he's so far away from me... I can't calm down... not until i see him n feel him hold me to know if it will all be alrite....

All I can see rite now is how shocked he was... n still is... n it felt like sumthin's changed sumhow... I don't know if its really alrite with him... or is it just cuz he's being a gentleman... Even though I thought I'd be relieved after its out n I don't have anything to hide anymore... but its the last thing i felt... in fact what I'm feeling is very much the opposite of relieved... I just feel like there's a heavy stone on top of me waiting for me to give in to its weight.... n crush me.... n what with the memories starting to come back to me... along with those questions... n I find it hard to face him... knowing what he knows... I just feel like I'm not worthy of anyone... I just feel like no matter what I do now will all just be overshadowed by my mistake... I don't know if my wounds will ever heal... every time his name crosses my mind I'm just crushed all over again... I can't help but tear up whenever I think of him... just thinking about the fact that back then... we already gave a name to him... n how he's gone just like that... whenever ppl hear about cases like mine... all they'd think about is the scandal... n the gossips... what do they know about how it feels to be burdened by that for the rest of my life... ppl can turn away....walk away....ignore.... but I can't... no matter how I tried to block it all out... I'm still guilty... there's still blood in my hands... n I still feel dirty.... n nothing can ever change that... even when I die n be reincarnated... my sin will still follow me....

I'm so tired of blocking out my mind... it had been going on for so long... that its starting to affect my other memories... I often felt like I'm losing grip of my own reality.... like I'm always in a daze.... its like walking through a thick haze.... I can't wait for when the moment comes that I can finally shut down my mind for good... the moment I can finally rest easy n not think about anything...