what is wrong with me..? why am i feeling like this...?
what's over is over... u know its impossible... so why do u have to feel this way..? that's what i keep on asking myself...

n i keep on having flashes of all the things that have happened all these years... all the things i did... all the things i've been through... the feeling's back... that same old feeling... where i feel like peeling all my skin n flesh off... turn all my insides out... throw it all away... n replace everything with new ones... a new everything... a new kinda life... a new conscience... a reclaimed innocence... where did all that go to... it all felt like yesterday... those days that im still so innocent n untouched... those times when i still believe in things... in that thing called love..goodness in everything..beliefs..selflessness which now i call bullcrap.

sumhow i feel that...i've lost myself along the way... i don't know where..when..or how..why..n what...or who...
i just feel like i don't quite really know anything about myself anymore... there's nothing about myself i can be sure of anymore...
people say its a phase in life...that eventually i'll find my way back...n come out with a more mature me... but im just not quite sure... will i ever...?
will i be the person that i wanted to be..? or will i come out as a whole other person who... i swore i'll never be like... a person that tramps on all my beliefs n what i thought was good n true... n upheld high all the things i despised, spit on and look down upon...?
i don't know what im doing...what im about...what's my next step...what i like...what i dislike...what i despise n what i love...
what am i...? who am i...?
rite now....i really don't know.
when it'll be over...this too...i don't know.

could any1 tell me...what do i actually know..?

i just love dat song... its over... i hope u're with sum1 dat makes u feel that this life is a life...

"jika teringat ttg dikau... jauh dimata dekat dihati...
tak ada niat... untuk selamanya pergi... untuk berpisah denganmu...
jika memang masih bisa mulutku berbicara...
satu kata yg ingin terucap... kan kudengar caci dan puji dirimu padaku...
kita masih muda dlm mencari keputusan...
maafkan daku ingin kembali... seumpama ada jalan untuk kembali..."

im sooo... in a mellow mood rite now...

im listening to all this sad love songs... n just get mellow...
im not feeling all screwed up anymore... its more like...
a feeling of mellow acceptance... n just listening to all this mellow songs... n just be mellow... n chilled...
i can't explain it...

n btw... i cant believe dia bilank g despo.
kalo g despo it'll be me cheating on him by kissin some guy bfore.

.. . no distance left to run . ..

It's over
you don't need to tell me
I hope you're with someone
who makes you feel safe in your sleeping tonight
I won't kill myself trying to stay in your life
I've got no distance left to run

When you see me,
please,
turn your back and walk away
I don't wanna see you
'cause I know the dreams that you keep
that's where we meet
when you're coming down
think of me here
I've got no distance left to run

-whoo whoo whoo-

It's over
I knew it would end this way
I hope you're with someone
who makes you feel
that this life, is a life
Who settles down,
stays around,
spends more time with you,
I've got no distance left to run

I'm coming home

It's over

- BluR -

reading my own blog makes me sick! but... neways... things r fine now i guess... is it just me... or is it emank umur2 g sgini ini emank lagi just.. confused bout things? sumthin like nyari jati diri gt maybe? tp yah... g skg2 ini... bener2 ga tau sbenernya g tuh orgnya gimana sih... i really2 dont know a thing about myself anymore lately... n i feel like such a misfit everywhere... so i have to keep on putting a mask... but somedays... i just don't feel like putting on my mask n face the world (which happens ALOT lately).

i really think i should stop trying so hard to please everybody n be perfect to everybody... but really.. its hard to stop. even though i keep on failing to do so anyway.

i dont even know who i can talk to about everything dats on my mind... its gotten that bad. i don't know exactly since when... that all this started... i just... kinda stopped believing in ppl... n dat makes me more n more closed to everybody... i dont think there's any1 who really knows what im thinking n what im about anymore... i should stop trying to be so perfect... cuz obviously im not... nobody is.

i guess... i really want to please my parents... since i came back to indo... im really changed. totally. n its really2 tiring... cuz i cant fake it... n trying so hard to be what my parents would want me to be like... really sucks the life out of me... it shattered my own personality... my sense of self... everything that im about... its just lost... sumwhere i dont know... i myself dont even know what im about anymore... apalagi anyone else...

i guess im not entitled to having a relationship with anyone... not when im still like this...

well..actually...its not like i didnt realise this... its just dat i keep on denying it... cuz... every now n then i'll fell in like with somebody.... n suddenly "d heart wants what it wants" rule gets in my head.

gosh i should stop letting my emotions n feelings get in my head.... this is bad... everything was bad...

"hari kan silih berganti... kadank datank kadank pergi... biarlah luka mimpimu berlalu... wahai bunga di hati... sudilah bersemi lagi..."
- andien -

lesson learnt: im imperfect, n i should be proud of it, cuz i am me... n nobody else is ever gonna be like me. love me, hate me, be indifferent to me... im still me anyway. so i should stop trying so hard to be what im not. n just be myself. far from perfect... but still lovable anyway...^^v

Born...

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear

Pour me a glass of wine
Talk deep into the night
Who knows what we'll find

Intuition, deja vu
The Holy Ghost haunting you
Whatever you got
I don't mind

Put your elbows on the table
I'll listen long as I am able
There's nowhere I'd rather be

Secret fears, the supernatural
Thank God for this new laughter
Thank God the joke's on me

We've seen the landfill rainbow
We've seen the junkyard of love
Baby it's no place for you and me

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear


- over the rhine -